A d.Luscious World

WTF?!?

2009-04-16T08:21:00.002+08:00

On my way to work today, I saw this on the jeep I rode in.

Man, I kept wondering how those fish and those colored chicks felt being jostled around like that. I'm not an animal person but I do feel pity and compassion for animals who become victims of human cruelty. I don't think those fish feel happy in their little plastic prisons. I saw a big silver one, the one nearest me, going crazy snapping at whatever food particle that floated near its mouth. And just the thought of those chicks being given a dye bath, and then being strangled to death by an overeager kid gives me the willies.

In other news, this. Okay, I don't want to say anything about who might have shot Ted Failon's wife. That's the police's job. I do hope they do a good job at it, for once. Anyway, what bothers me the most is how careful ABS-CBN is being in not pointing an accusing finger at their news anchor. Even GMA News had this headline: Cops doubt Ted Failon's wife attempted suicide. You see what they did there? I'm sure you did. They might imply it. But they won't say it. Journalists are supposed to be fair in their reportage. Their reports shouldn't show any bias against the people involved. However, the sad truth is: drama sells. And people will believe almost anything, especially if it's on TV.

I See a Subic Adventure in my Future

2009-04-15T14:49:00.002+08:00

Oh yeah. Our Great Editor is coming over for a week and he wants to go to Subic.

I was trying to reserve us tickets for the Zoobic Safari and get a resort to spend the night when, in desperation, I called my former boss.

And as I've previously written here, he is truly a godsend. He says he can get us in the Safari for free. The resort he recommended is well above our range so though I've solved the Safari thing, booking a resort at this time proved to be a problem.

Our editor, let's call him J, wanted to go to Johan's. But then, they only have room for 4 people. There will be 10 of us spending the night. The girl I talked to said for me to call back again today but when I did, I got the same reply. So I got back online and looked some more.

I found Sheavens. It looked great, the prices were reasonable and best of all, they had rooms available!!! I was ecstatic. J was ecstatic. *wipes smug smile off face*

I can't wait to go to Subic!!!

Lucky to Be Alive

2009-04-14T09:01:00.000+08:00

Something tells me I shouldn't have gone out of the house yesterday.

Incident # 1: I got off the jeepney in front of the village yesterday morning and almost got hit by a motorcycle. It was a good thing the bike wasn't going too fast as it was about to turn left. My heart pounding like crazy, the rest of my walk to the office was thankfully uneventful.

Incident # 2: On our way home, Joks and I were riding in the jeep when another jeep rammed into us, right where Joks and I were sitting. If the other jeepney was going any faster, we would have been taken on a free trip to the hospital (or the grave, for that matter).

Incident # 3: As soon as I got off that jeep, another jeepney came careening directly where I was standing. If Joks hadn't yelled for me to get out of the way or if the brakes on that jeep gave out, I would have been road pizza. I cursed, froze for a second, just like a deer in the headlights, and wondered why I got out of the house at all.

WTF?!?

I'm glad I'm still alive today though. I'm not ready to die just yet. I guess, somebody's really looking out for me and I am so, so thankful for that.

A Little Family Outing and Random Nostalgia

2009-04-13T08:45:00.000+08:00

I've been meaning to post something here since last weekend but I've never really felt like writing over the holidays. Silly me, since I have so much to blog about and don't really know where to start.

Maybe from where I left off, yes? Well then, thanks to Y_slaybelle, Jaden's bike riding dreams have come true.

No, no. That bike was the one we rented at the Circle weeks before Jaden got his bike. That one's old. This one, however, is brand spanking new.

It says "Bat Boy." He'd wanted a Spiderman bike but sadly, that wasn't available. But he latched on the four-wheeled wonder immediately. Last Saturday, we took it out to the Circle for the second time.

Okay, so Jaden didn't do much biking around. His legs are still a wee bit short for him to pedal one full revolution. And he gets tired too quickly. So he parked the bike and headed off to the playground.

There. The little tyke is as happy as can be. Meanwhile, Leala and Lola soaked in the sun and the fresh air.

(Sorry for the crummy cellphone photos. I was much too lazy to charge the batteries for the digital camera.)

***

Random Easter Sunday purchase:

Certain scents remind me of a certain time in my life. If Tommy Girl reminded me of college, this brought back many high school memories. Hence, the purchase.

I had a weird dream Saturday night, see, partly about M. M had been my crush since kindergarten, ever since klutzy me tripped all over myself one day in front of him. He didn't laugh at me. Didn't even smile. He simply, shyly even, handed me my wayward headband and walked away, leaving me to gather pieces of my self-esteem and wonder about him, the six-year old gentleman. We never so much as talked all throughout grade school. It was probably because we were far too shy about how we felt for each other. His mother told my mother how he carved out our names on a tree in their yard. In sixth grade, he used to walk me home but we wouldn't talk. We'd walk on either side of the road and I'd be so nervous and kilig the whole time. We didn't go into the same high school together so I rarely saw him, if at all throughout most of high school.

During the summer going into our fourth year though, he suddenly came to our house and I guess, made ligaw. That was probably the first time somebody did that to me. We had a relationship then. But then, I guess we were both still too young for that kind of thing and more than once I was afraid of where it was all going. I knew I had to break it off, so I did, without explaining to him why. The last time I saw M was in a golf course country club somewhere in Pampanga. I was already married to Joks then and though he greeted me, we never got to talk at length. I wish we did, though. It would've been nice to know how he's doing after all these years.

Oh well.

2009-03-25T15:28:00.004+08:00

"The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels. " - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Yeah. I've been enlightened. A bit late, but still, you know, better late than never. I just have to say, and I've thought about this many times, I am who I am. Take it or leave it. The only person who knows me inside out is me. Not my husband. Not my parents. Not my sisters. Just me. And who I am is forever changing. The person who I am now is different from the one I was just this morning. Life experiences, and I do have a life, continuously mold me into what and who I am.

The only thing that will never change is my wish for every person whom I know to find their own happiness. Because, despite my frequent bitching about my personal life, I am generally blessed and therefore, generally happy. I have a husband who loves and admires me and whom I love and admire in turn, kids who are wonderful and smart and healthy, and friends who appreciate what I am able to bring into their lives, and for whom I am immensely thankful.

I am aware that in the same way that another person can never truly know who I am, I can never know another person as much as he knows himself. If there's anything college philosophy taught me, it's that I am responsible only for how I feel for another person. The rest is up to them. This is not to say that I am not affected nor hurt. Of course I am. But I am 29 years old. And I will act like one.

The Adventures ofd Jaden

2009-03-17T14:59:00.005+08:00

As if I didn't have enough problems, Jaden decided to surprise me with this last night:
Excuse the dark photo. But it's our couch and it's been ripped open. Don't ask me about the farm animals. I just found them there when I woke up this morning. I saw an upholstery repair shop near our house on my way to work but I don't think I can have the couch repaired this week. The state of my finances is, as usual, nerve-wracking so I think I have to put that off until the end of the month. By that time, I think, the couch would have been fully ripped apart. Jaden also took it upon himself to decorate the other couch with holes. Maybe he felt that the sponge inside couldn't breathe. Whatever. He's been punished. And I talked to him about it several times. I should've counted the holes on the other couch just to be sure. I wonder what the little tyke is doing now. Maybe punching some holes in our mattress. *sigh*

Weekend Lunch

2009-03-16T16:05:00.005+08:00

Yesterday Joks, Jaden and I attended a mass for our dearly departed former boss. After the mass, we were treated to lunch in the Kanin Club in Westgrove, Alabang. It's near Vicki Belo's clinic (my former co-workers told me they saw her eating there as well!)

Anyway, lunch was fab. The kare-kare was okay, the tahong, too, everything they served us. But what really got my attention is this heart-attack inducing dinuguan.

Mind you, it's not just your regular run-of-the-mill dinuguan. It's crisp and crunchy deep-fried pork and innards wrapped in a thick bloody sauce. Yum. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

Since I already ate so much, I thought that I would skip dessert. I thought wrong.

Behold, the turon.
Like the dinuguan, this one's special as well. Inside, instead of the regular banana and langka combo, you will find, to your extreme delight, strips of macapuno, pieces of nata de coco, sago, mung beans and ube haleya. Yes, it's the halo-halo in a turon. I ate so much I found it hard to breathe on the way home.

Oh Hai Litz

2009-03-12T09:39:00.002+08:00

Shameless plugging alert:

So my friend and co-worker got her own domain. Take a peek at her crazy world at http://blog.hey-liz.net

In other news: We're getting new PCs. Because the old ones are made of cardboard and styrofoam and are like ticking time bombs that self-destruct like those Mission:Impossible thingies (remember those). It's weird that we've been screwed over by Koreans, seeing that hey, we're a Korean company. Back when we were still shopping around for PCs, I really didn't think it was a great idea to get PCs from those guys but I shut up because hell, I'm just a writer. Much as I like being proven right, it still sucks to have PCs that are as fragile as glass.

Oh, and it was Jaden's 3rd birthday yesterday. We just went to a toy store where he whined for a bike (later, tyke) and got a Spideyman magnetic slate instead.

To you, may you find the happiness I thought I would have with you

2009-03-10T16:56:00.004+08:00

In college, lovable, adorable Fr. Nick Cruz let us watch Il Postino. It has been my favorite film ever since. I even have a CD that has Neruda's poems read by actors and actresses such as Madonna and Andy Garcia. That was my first ME purchase in the early days of my first job. I spent many many hours listening to the CD. It takes me back to my college days when love was such a foreign, unreachable star to me. And as I listen to it now, I am saddened once again. Not for a love that was lost, but love that was never given to me.

But life indeed is strange, sometimes. For now that I have found a love that wraps me in its sweet, unconditional embrace, he is still alone.

2009-03-10T10:54:00.003+08:00

While stumbling around the net today trying to look for topics I could write about for work, I came upon this article. Briefly, if you don't have the time to follow the link, it tells of a social experiment that the Washington Post did in a subway about" perception, taste and priorities of people." The results were disheartening. The story captured my imagination so I decided to see if there was a video of it or about it on youtube (since, well almost everything is on youtube nowadays). I got lucky on my first try and saw the video (below). There was one woman who recognized the violinist but I decided to exercise my creative freedom a bit. And so here's the script I came up with.

Laying his bag on the floor, the violinist took out his violin from its case and began to play. As the music flowed from his heart to his violin and to the milling crowd at the subway station where he stood, not one of the people passing by looked his way. The violinist closed his eyes as he continued to play. When he opened them again, he saw a child staring at him, rapt in his music. His mouth agape, he continued to watch even as his mother pushed him towards the stairs that led to the platform. At the top of the stairs, the boy looked back one last time, clearly wishing he could stay and listen some more. The violinist smiled, ever so slightly, and closed his eyes again.

At last, rain.

2009-03-09T15:35:00.006+08:00

At last, rain. I thought it would never come.

I have some time today so I thought I should blog a bit. Actually, I've been blogging every day. In my head. I've written hundreds of entries in my head but I haven't had the inclination to actually type them up. And they tell me I'm a writer.

In a couple of days, Jaden will turn three. He's excited about the bike we promised him for his brithday. (Thanks, Yayie!) I thought of getting him a birthday cake but I'm prolly not gonna go through that since he doesn't really like cake anyway. Maybe we'll get some ice cream and treat him to Jollibee instead and then spend an entire day in a playground or in a mall. That's his idea of heaven. I'm so proud of him. He speaks very clearly, as I've probably mentioned in my previous posts. And he loooves coloring books. He begged me yesterday to get him another one, which I did, a really thick one. Last night, he would ask either me or Joks to help him color a page. As I was coloring the sea blue green he told me, "O, Mommy 'wag mo ilampas. Nilampas mo naman e."

(As I type this, our cook is chopping up a storm. Roasted eggplant, by the smell of it. Or gulaman. She practically forced us to drink an entire pitcher of sago gulaman a while ago. She doesn't seem to realize that her energetic activities in the kitchen is somewhat bothersome to the other writers.)

Anyway, I brought one of his old coloring books to work today so I could trace some of the drawings and bring my tracings home to him. We have tons of scratch paper so I thought I'd make use of those. I've done about 10 this morning. Maybe I'll do some more before I go home. He's bound to be finished with the thick book we brought him last night, I think, so I better have some drawings for him on hand.

Now, I don't draw. My talents are apparently restricted to the printed word. But I do try and I wish that I could maybe take a lesson someday. Or, soon. Since having to buy as many as three coloring books a week will really put a huge dent in our monthly budget. I would post a drawing I made here but sadly, our scanner/printer is not working so maybe next time.

Leala, meanwhile, is five months old already and is very healthy, thank you very much. Here's a picture of my little princess. She has grown a lot and is, am happy to report, very cheerful.

Worrywart Strikes Again

2009-02-18T10:01:00.003+08:00

I'm worried. What's new, right? No, wait. Before you roll your eyes, today's different. There's really something to be worried about. It's just one thing, everything else is fine, but somehow, everything else depends on that one thing.

There's a quick fix that I'd rather not do, since, in the long run, it will turn into a problem in itself. Come to think of it, it's already started long before. But I guess, the way things are going, I may have no other choice. It worries me that what I thought was enough is turning out to be quite the opposite.

I know there has got to be some changes, but those changes will break my son's heart. His birthday is coming up and we've promised to get him a bike. Now I'm not so sure we can fulfill that promise after all. What worries me is that if we make those changes, he'd say, "Kawawa naman ako. Wala akong pagkain." Which is something he's done several times in the past. I want him to grow up as healthy as possible but if we cut back on the snacks -- the juices, the fruits, the chocolate milk and the crackers -- he'd then have to eat more rice, which I'd rather he don't, since I don't want him to become as overweight as his mother.

Making those changes would be easier if we had a refrigerator, too, because then we'd have to do weekly/monthly instead of daily grocery trips. Those daily grocery trips are hell on the budget since when you're there you'll be tempted to get things, that are not necessarily on your list. As it is, though, a fridge is just out of the question.

I'll have to walk every day to work from now on. (I only do that when Joks is with me and we're walking inside the village.) I'm wondering if I can walk all the way from home, though. I'd like to walk all the way home in the evenings but that'd be too dangerous and too tiring since I'll have to buy dinner and cook when I get home.

I don't know what else to do. One of these days I'm going to have to pawn my wedding ring. I just know it. And it saddens me to think that I have to do that, me having a job and all. I guess that's my life. It's been this way since I was born. Why can't I just learn to suck it up?

Hurrah for New Layout

2009-02-17T13:22:00.001+08:00

My boring layout lasted only a couple of hours. Heh. Thanks Liz, and thanks to the wonderful person who made this skin. Soooo cute. Just liek me. Not. :p

Got it on blogskins.com by the way. Really cool site.

Ta-Dah: Boring Layout

2009-02-17T12:10:00.002+08:00

Okay. So my attempts to jazz up my blog is a big FAIL. One of these days I'm going to have to learn how to do it. But well, I'm just too lazy. I wanted to use a great skin I found but I just couldn't seem to make it work the way I wanted to. The comments link kept on disappearing. And I just am not code-savvy enough to make the necessary changes on the given code. *sigh*

I need help.

Countdown (I can't believe I'm doing this! I am a changed woman!)

2009-02-13T16:42:00.002+08:00

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

10. You rock. Seriously.

9. I wish I'd never met you. But then again, if our paths never crossed, I wouldn't be able to know what it felt like to be unloved. I just hope our paths never cross again.

8. I wish you could've stayed longer than you have. I miss you, despite everything.

7. You think you're so smart. Grow up. I'm sick and tired of being your emotional punching bag. I'd like us to be friends, the way we never were.

6. Don't let her turn you into a monster. I wish you'd listen to me.

5. I miss the old you. Why do you do this to yourself? Why can't you take your life back? Why do you let them make you suffer? I pray that someday she'll forgive you and treat you the way you ought to be treated.

4. Thank you. For everything. I learned so much from you. I'm sorry if I let you down.

3. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. Please.

2. You are so lucky. I hope you'll come to understand that soon enough. Don't be such a worry wart.

1. You are my sunshine and my rock. Thank you for loving me, you are the greatest gift life has ever given me. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I sure as hell am not complaining!

9 things about yourself:

9. I am work in progress.

8. I am amazed when people compliment my writing.

7. I don't like watching most movies. And feel guilty about it.

6. I want to lose weight because I want to wear pretty clothes.

5. I don't feel my age.

4. I simply hate being poor. It's inconvenient.

3. I wish I could shop and not spend half the time looking at price tags.

2. I'm trying to be the best parent one can possibly be for my two little sweethearts.

1. I feel uncomfortable in parties, very much.

8 ways to win your heart:

8. hugs

7. kisses

6. compliments

5. gifts

4. respect

3. trust

2. unconditional love

1. faithfulness

7 things that cross your mind a lot:

7. money

6. work

5. kids

4. money

3. future for my family

2. vacation

1. money

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

6. kiss jaden good night

5. kiss joks good night

4. send an SOS up there

3. try not to think about money

2. pull up my blanket all the way to my chin

1. close my eyes :D

5 people who mean a lot:

5. friends

4. co-workers

3. mom

2. kiddies

1. joks

4 things you're wearing right now:

4. underthings

3. shirt

2. leggings

1. wedding ring

3 songs that you listen to often (currently):

3. Mercy (Duffy)

2. Criminal (Fiona Apple)

1. Tapestry (Carole King)

2 things you want to do before you die:

2. learn to SCUBA dive

1. learn to draw

1 confession:

1. I wish I could enjoy myself and not take everything too seriously. But I really don't know how.

One word exlavu

2009-02-12T11:57:00.002+08:00

It's harder than you think!! Here is what you are supposed to do...use only one word for each of the following...and please don't spoil the fun...copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people - including me.

Where is your cell phone TABLE

Your hair LONG

Your favorite thing KISSES

Your dream last night FORGOTTEN

Your favorite drink JUICE

Your dream/goal WEALTH

The room you are in OFFICE

Your fear POVERTY

Where do you want to be in 6 years NEGROS

Muffins BLUEBERRY

One of your wish list items DSLR

Where you grew up QC

The last thing you did BLOG

What are you wearing BLACK

Your TV SMALL

Your pets DEAD

Your computer BUSTED

Your life WHEEL

Your mood NERVOUS

Missing someone KIDS

Your car WISH

Favorite store LANDMARK

Your summer BORING

Your favorite color BLACK

When is the last time you laughed MEETING

Last time you cried FORGOTTEN

Three people who email me MEG, STEPH, SKY

Three of my favorite foods CHOCOLATE, COOKIES, SANDWICHES

Three places I would rather be right now HOME, MALL, LIBRARY

Three people I think will respond NO IDEA

my 25 random things

2009-02-12T06:53:00.000+08:00

Copy pasted from Facebook. I still can't believe I was able to do this. Didn't think I had enough attention span.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose at least 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag at least 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)

*sigh* if only my life were that interesting. But I'll give it a shot. I've been tagged by Liz.

Here goes...

1. I have two kids and I love them to death. They make me laugh and smile and feel all gooey inside.

2. I've been blessed with a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how I look or how bad I behave sometimes. I can be a first class bitch when I want to. And he's always been very patient with me. He also has the balls to tell me when I've crossed the line. It's his dream for us to grow old and spend our afternoons watching sunsets on our beach together.

3. I love watching sunsets. I love counting shooting stars. And walking on the beach at night.

4. I don't know how to swim or ride a bike.

5. I lived on the beach for over a year. It was great but I'm a city girl and I couldn't quite get myself completely out of a city, any city, for more than a month a time. Bus fares to Bacolod and Dumaguete were pretty expensive but I just couldn't help it. So sue me.

6. Working for television for nearly eight years taught me a lot about life. I can't help but be thankful for my former boss from whom I learned so much. He's been dead for years and I still miss him.

7. I love riding airplanes. My first plane ride was to Puerto Princesa when I was in fourth grade. My lolo took us to Palawan as a gift for being the top in class. He passed away a couple of years later and missed my grade school graduation. I wonder where he could have taken me if he knew I would be the class valedictorian.

8. I still remember my grade school crush who, luckily, turned out to have a crush on me too. LOL. We never would talk to each other. In sixth grade, he'd walk me home but we'd be on either side of the road, not talking. It was in our fourth year in high school when he finally had the guts to talk to me. That was a crazy time. *wink*wink

9. I met my grade school crush again in the most unlikely and unexpected place: in a golf and country club where he worked as a waiter. I was there for an interview with a golfer with my boss and my husband. That was crazy too. LOL.

10. I used to collect stamps when I was a kid. Now I wish I were into crafts. But toddlers and crafts are a deadly mix. Maybe when they're a bit older.

11. I'd like to design t-shirts someday. And sell them and become a millionaire.

12. F%&$@ that. I want to become filthy rich. Being poor is so...inconvenient. Hee.

13. I make it a point to say "thank you" and "please" when using public transport. I don't think people or the world, for that matter, owe me anything.

14. I am so insecure I hate it. About everything. I'm working on it. Every single day. Promise.

15. I sometimes wish things in my life were a bit different. But I've learned to roll with the punches because, what else is there to do?

16. I need to lose a lot of weight. Like, half of my weight right now so I can go back to my body when I was in high school. I want to wear nice clothes and not look like a mother of two so much.

17. I am thankful for very very good friends. They're more like family really. They're there for me even if my own family isn't.

18. I almost didn't make it to my college graduation. My mom had no money to pay for the rent of the gown. My college friends came to the rescue -- Mae and Julia. They're super and awesome. I will never forget that.

19. I shy away from parties. I've never been a partygoer because of #14. I care too much about what people will say. But again, I'm working on that. Trying to, anyway. I can't believe I missed the Comm Block reunion last January. I hope I can make it to the next one, though.

20. I'd like to learn how to draw. And dance. Every time I listen to Michael Buble I always wish I knew how to dance.

21. I don't like watching movies. There are movies that I'd watch, sure, but frankly, I'd rather read.

22. I only like a handful of TV shows -- Oprah, CSI, House, Project Runway, Mythbusters, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I cannot be coerced into watching shows that I don't like, even if every body says it's great. I like to spend my vacations doing marathons of my favorite TV shows.

23. But I do love the Lifestyle Channel. I'd like a TV of my own that has cable so I can watch it any time I please. But you can't always get what you want. Someday, I'll have a satellite dish and the TV will be permanently tuned in to it. Payback time.

24. I love detective stories and have read all of the Sherlock Holmes stories and novels several times each. I'm also loving Agatha Christie right now and aim to read all of her books this year.

25. I've just read Paolo Coelho's The Alchemist. It was enlightening. Thanks to Nica, Liz and Meg for encouraging me to buy it.

And I didn't even drink coffee today

2009-02-12T06:35:00.000+08:00

Really. I've been cutting down on coffee since that day when I began to feel woozy all the time. I drank water, lots of it. And took a short but brick walk this morning which made me jittery during breakfast.

Anyway, about the walk: Joks and I have been walking in the village nearly every morning on weekdays and in the QC Circle on weekends. I've taken some photos (of the park, not of the walking blubber that is me) but haven't had the time nor the inclination to edit and post them so...that will take a while.

Every day I think of stuff I want to blog about but it's either I can't make myself sit and compose something to say when I'm in front of the computer or I'm way too lazy to do it so nothing gets blogged.

So what could I write about now? Hmm, lemme see...oh, the dreaded V-day. I've never really hard a romantic V-day all my life. I guess Joks has always been very practical about things and would rather spend it on something we could use or save the money for a rainy day. Plus, he's never been much of a romantic guy.

Case in point, a conversation we had the other day:

L: Uy, Dad, flowers o. Malapit na Valentine's... (hint, hint)

J: Oo nga. Sana may magbigay sa'yo ng flowers.

*sigh*

But I can't complain, he's the most loving, most responsible husband anyone could ever ask for. I'll take what I'm given.

Oh, a little story about a little boy. Yesterday, just as Jaden was going out the door to play with other kids, he saw a kid walk past. The kid was holding a cup of halo-halo and was, I suppose, in the process of kerchomping it. Guess what the little boy said, "Pssst! Pahingi!"

Joks laughed so hard that Jaden cried. (He feels as if he's being laughed at, we always try and explain to him that we are simply enjoying him, not making fun of him. Still, he cries. Tsk tsk.) Joks had to go out and buy him his own cup of halo-halo.

My little boy is growing up. *sniffs*

Awesome!

2009-02-05T15:46:00.003+08:00

I was using Stumble Upon to find ideas for work and I saw this.

It's an amazing site where you can make your own handwriting font easily. The coolest thing is, it's free.

Do check it out. I got mine and I can't wait to use it for my yearbook projects.

Way cool. You have to try it. Really.

Life got in the way again

2009-02-03T12:00:00.002+08:00

Either that or I was just too lazy to stop and write here.

For the first time in years, I celebrated my birthday. Okay, let me explain. My birthdays were never really grand, festive occasions. I don't know why, though. It just happened that way. I always felt sad whenever my birthday rolled around, not because I was a year older but I never seemed to celebrate it right. Joks and I just usually went out to have dinner at a nice place and that would be it.

This year's birthday is different. And way more fun. The super cool and extremely gorgeous people at the office gave me a red velvet birthday cake. IT WAS AWESOME!!! That was my first birthday cake since my 7th birthday.

Thanks guys. And I got a really great birthday gift and note from them as well. Will post pictures as soon as I get over my lazy spell. Right now though, I have to get back to work. Been slacking for over an hour watching Mythbusters already so I have to bust my butt starting now.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2009-01-29T16:09:00.001+08:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Dreaming of Chocolate

2008-12-15T13:04:00.002+08:00

It's because of this that I sometimes wish I had a proper kitchen complete with a gas range.

Me wants some chocolate liek, nau. *salivates*

Love - Pablo Neruda

2008-12-15T13:02:00.000+08:00

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of you.
I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

Something I Sutbmeld Uopn

2008-12-15T10:11:00.001+08:00

It Never Gets Old

2008-12-11T17:07:00.001+08:00

Absolutely cracked Liz and I up today. What a riot.

Better Late Than Never

2008-12-11T16:02:00.002+08:00

Okay, so the reason why I keep postponing writing about giving birth to Leala is the fact that I know I won't be able to finish it in one sitting. I hate leaving things unfinished. Alas, I do not have the time nor the energy to write for extended periods of time. Except, maybe, listening scripts that Jordan and Meg think I'm addicted to.

It was a scheduled operation and though it was supposed to be on a Monday morning, I was actually prepped the night before. I checked into the hospital (in a wheelchair!) Sunday afternoon and was told to go on a soft diet until 7pm. They told me that I'm no longer allowed to take any food after that time. Que horror!

When the dinner tray came it consisted of chicken adobo and (drum roll please) lugaw. Porridge. No salt, no sugar. Nothing. I felt like I was six again, at home with the flu. I stuffed myself nonetheless, knowing it was going to be a long time until I'd be able to eat anything again.

I couldn't sleep soundly that night, knowing I'd be cut open in just a few hours. My back ached, the way it normally does because of Leala's movements. At around 4 in the morning I was awoken by the night orderly who cheerily told me it was time for my most dreaded part of the entire process. I was spared from it the last time because my water broke prematurely. But now, there was no escape. The lady gloved up, and ouch! Damn. That hurt. Not like hell, but it was uncomfortable and I never want it to happen again.

After a few tears and several trips to the bathroom, it was almost time for the gurney. At around seven in the morning, after watching the breakfast tray come and go without me being allowed near it, two men came with a stretcher. We left the room, with my husband trailing along, bringing our camera.

I was wheeled into the operating room and strapped onto the operating table. I had to endure close to an hour of lying down on my back, without the option to lie on my side and it was excruciating! I could feel Leala's (of course, we didn't know her name until after I gave birth) weight on my spine. My OB was caught in traffic and we had to wait for her. Perfect.

When the nurses and the anesthesiologist were informed that my OB is already in the building and on her way up, they started to prepare me for the anesthesia. I was asked to lie on my side, finally, and curl up in a fetal position. That.Is.Not.Easy. With a ball for a stomach how could it be? My anesthesiologist complained that because I had too much fat on my back (thanks doctor, I'm paying you after all) she had a difficult time finding where to stick the needle in (I repeat, you're being paid, suck it up. :p)

Anyway, as soon as the epidural was over, I felt the numbness in my legs and arms. I was positioned to lie on my back again but since I was already numb, there was no back pain anymore. I waited until I fell asleep but to my surprise, I did not. The anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my face and told me, "I'll let you fall asleep later, after they sew you up okay?"

I was in no position to argue. I was scared shitless. Though I felt no pain, it was weird how I knew I was being sliced open even if I couldn't see a thing as a piece of cloth prevented me from seeing right into my bowels. I guess that would have made me faint. (The picture afterward reinforced this suspicion.) There were moments when I felt completely overwhelmed by just the whole thing, I almost hyperventilated and kept sucking on the oxygen. I forced myself to calm down and relax because I knew that the doctors' jobs would have been harder had I fainted, lost consciousness, increased my blood pressure or all of the above simultaneously. I didn't want to die and I truly felt I was going to, right on that table. It felt like I was drowning and I kept trying to claw my way onto the surface of the water.

I don't know how long it took them to cut right through my tummy and grab Leala out but when they did, the anesthesiologist told me, "Okay we're pulling your baby out. There's gonna be some pressure." I heard my baby cry, and someone exclaimed, "It's a girl!" A few moments later, they showed me Leala and allowed me to kiss her a few times. One of the nurses was kind enough to take pictures (which I couldn't post since my PC is on the blink.)

After that, I blacked out and the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and feeling awful. It was very hot, unlike my two previous experiences when I was comfortably ensconced in a very thick blanket in an airconditioned room. Apparently, some old guy didn't want the airconditioning turned up because he felt cold. Because of the heat and nausea, I threw up a few times, mostly just water since my stomach didn't have anything. It was downright awful.

After what seemed like ages but was only actually a couple of hours, I was finally wheeled into my room where there was airconditiong, my husband and my eldest kid. As the anesthesia started to wear off, pain from the wound, hunger, and thirst accosted me all at the same time. I was told not to eat for several more hours. In total though, I wasn't able to eat anything for nearly three days. That, alone, is enough to put me off childbirth.

LOL

2008-12-11T10:21:00.001+08:00

I cannot believe all of these celebrities came together for this. I mean, hello? Josh Groban? LOL! Thanks Litz!

Shameless Plugging

2008-12-10T16:14:00.001+08:00

I can't go home yet, even if I wanted to.

Anyway, do check these out.

sob

2008-12-10T15:10:00.002+08:00

I feel awful. My nape sort of hurts, the way it does when your blood pressure's up. It's weird. I want to go home.

Walang Magawa at Ayaw Mag-isip

2008-12-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

For that, Nica, eto na:

1. Layla likes to eat cupcakes. (That I do.)

2. Layla likes to dance. (NOT!)

3. Layla likes to read. (Alas! There isn't time!)

4. Layla likes to spend time with her human friends but she won't make the first move to be pet. (Oh-kay, glad that was cleared up. No petting.)

5. Layla likes to tan in the sun. (NOT!) She also LOVES to sleep. (I'd love to really, but there isn't much time.)

6. Layla likes to lay around and watch T.V. with her family. (While munching on chips.)

7. Layla likes to swim and is used to playing in a fenced yard. (WTF!)

8. Layla likes to play with big dogs. (WAHAHAHA! NO.)

9. Layla likes to be around people, climb everything and investigate any open cupboard, dryer or refrigerator. (If I climbed anything that would be the end of that thing.)

10. Layla likes to go shopping during off hours and is trying to improve skill in order to get ahead professionally. (And what profession is this, may I ask?)

Slap on the Handcuffs

2008-12-10T11:24:00.003+08:00

Last night I did something awful. I don't think I can forgive myself for it. It's a wonder I'm able to function properly at all today. My thoughts wander back inevitably to last night when I did a terrible, terrible thing. I feel so awful, so...undeserving of the title mother and I wince every time I remember what I did.

*I scolded Jaden and slapped his leg for kicking my throat.*

He was so scared he peed in his shorts. It was a horrible, horrible thing for me to do. I hate myself for doing that. For not being as patient as I should have been. For not understanding my son, my son whom I swore to love and protect with my life. I hurt my own son. That is unforgivable. I apologized to him ten million times already but I know I can never take it back. This morning, at dawn, he woke up suddenly and said, "Mommy!" He hugged me, indicating he wanted me to hug him back. He slept again in my arms after asking me to remove his diaper and take him to the toilet so he could pee.

I feel so guilty. I want to take the rest of the day off and spend it with my son, perhaps, make him feel how sorry I am and how much I love him. I hate that I'm turning into my father who hit us and punished us severely when we were kids. I swore I'd never do that but now I have. I honestly want to run away and hide myself in shame.

*I want to kill myself. I don't think I can do this anymore.*

When your world turns upside down...

2008-12-09T13:50:00.001+08:00

This made me weep today.

If this happened to me, I don't know if I'll be able to go on.

Funny Graffiti Friday

2008-12-05T09:23:00.002+08:00

Wahaha!

We're moving to Flickr!

2008-12-04T05:20:00.000+08:00

Well, here they are!

Photos Uploaded at Last

2008-12-04T05:02:00.000+08:00

With everything that's been going on in my life, even posting project 365 pictures has taken a backseat. So. I've posted more than week's worth in the album. I can't seem to upload in my photobucket account. Maybe, I'll move them to Flickr. Will update when I've done that.

Will continue blogging about my 365 photos soon.

Day 18-Toy shopping

2008-11-25T03:48:00.000+08:00

Toy soldiers. Jaden really wanted the bicycle, but that's for his birthday.

Day 17-Leala is two months young!

2008-11-25T03:46:00.000+08:00

I am so loving my life right now and I'm not ashamed to admit it. She is such a darling!

Day 16-The Men in My Life

2008-11-24T05:19:00.000+08:00

*Sigh*

Confession

2008-11-24T05:05:00.000+08:00

Ok, I admit it. I collected Korean stationery when I was a kid. I loved the cute drawings and the grammatically incorrect clauses (hee). I used to raid the neighborhood supermarket for the stuff whenever I could. So. I work for a Korean boss now and have to expose myself to Korean culture. *cough* I've never had the desire to go to Korea but this morning, I found this and thought hmmm...

Made me think of the stupid "MMDA art" in EDSA. What makes them think stenciling shapes over graffiti is art? Anyway. I'd like to visit Dongpirang. And I'd like to learn how to draw. I am artistically challenged, to say the least. I'd like to be able to draw for my kids. And make my own stationery, for me and Leala.

Day 15-My Precious Two

2008-11-21T07:57:00.000+08:00

On a week of sadness, they remain and will always be, the bright spots on my horizon. Thank god for children, my children.

Plurk Me!

2008-11-20T04:30:00.000+08:00

Hey, join me on Plurk!

Day 14-Nao's Sweet Parting Gift

2008-11-19T13:35:00.000+08:00

Nao left us berry knots when she left this morning. I had to slap Youghp's hand away so I could take a picture. Thanks Nao, but this isn't good-bye. Kulitan tayo sa multiply.

[Hmmm...I have been taking pictures of food for the past three days. Eeep. Emotional eating alert!]

Day 13-So is the box half-empty or half-full?

2008-11-19T13:30:00.000+08:00

Pizza for Hyun's last night. And no, we did not get drunk (I did it on purpose, sorry guys). Meg, answer the question, please. Good luck to all of us.

Day 12-I just reinforced my title of Drama Queen

2008-11-18T06:13:00.000+08:00

So I had to bawl my eyes out and prove that too much pressure is never a good thing for one's weight. Thanks, uh, Sharkboy.

I just bawled my eyes out but my personality is good.

2008-11-17T12:14:00.000+08:00

You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the "smell the roses" kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don't let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life.

Day 11-No days off

2008-11-17T08:15:00.000+08:00

At least for me. I.want.more.time.to.spend.with.my.kids.
Drats.

Day 10-My favorite kind of shopping

2008-11-17T08:12:00.000+08:00

As a kid, my parents regularly brought my sisters and me to book stores and on some days, we would pick out one book for each of us. I love shopping for books, even if I'm just browsing around. I hope I can pass my love of books and reading to Jaden and Leala. These books were on sale and I love them.

Day 9-Beam me up, Scottie

2008-11-17T08:08:00.000+08:00

Many, many years ago, my mother used to work here. My dad worked next door, at the government information agency. That's how they met. And they ended up having me and my two sisters. So yeah, an ode to this.

Day 8-Long, long time ago

2008-11-13T10:04:00.000+08:00

I was probably two or three when this photo was taken by my dad. I can't believe I've become old enough to have a toddler (and a newborn) of my own.

Krud.

2008-11-13T09:46:00.000+08:00

I just found out that a typical writer in New York earns ten times as much as we do here in the office. (I found this calculator in the yahoo hot jobs website. Sadly, no data on Asia.) Granted, the cost of living there is way higher than here. But it just shows me the value they put on creative thinking as opposed to here in this country.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong country. No, I love being Filipino, there’s no country I’d rather call home. But most of the time, I wish things here in the Philippines were different, better different. Some of our values are skewed and I wonder if it’s just really because we were under foreign rule for so long or if we’re perhaps the only country with an icon for laziness and resist changing our behavior and way of thinking.

On another note: I have promised to post Leala’s pictures here but my computer broke down and it’s either I have to replace the memory chip which was scorched or the entire motherboard (which is a bitch) before I can access the hard drive that contains the pictures. I just hope I can rescue the PC before it’s too late.

Day 7-See how the screw turns

2008-11-13T07:53:00.000+08:00

Too many possibilities, too many deadlines. May be enough to make the screw turn.

Day 6-Need help?

2008-11-11T11:47:00.000+08:00

I most certainly do.

Day 5-You win some...

2008-11-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

And you lose some...sleep that is. It is nearly 12 when I remembered I have yet to take a picture for the day. Extra work means extra money. Extra money means less debts. *sighs*

It's raining and I hate it.

2008-11-11T11:41:00.000+08:00

I usually like gloomy weather, but it's so inconvenient and weathers like these are for sleeping in and I can't sleep in. *head desk*

Anyway, Project 365 updates! Here's my photobucket Project 365 album

Something is seriously wrong with me.

2008-11-11T07:38:00.000+08:00

I did not sleep.

I did not want to eat.

I did not smoke.

I burst into tears at the slightest thought of my kids.

Am I working too hard? Will it be worth it?

?

2008-11-11T06:00:00.000+08:00

Do you think America has a gun problem?

I am a figment of my own imagination

2008-11-11T04:27:00.000+08:00

Oh god I am so out of it today.

Having just had two hours of sleep, my brain is now on auto-pilot.

And I still need to do a lot more stuff.

So let's get these two articles out of the way shall we?

Gah.

Crap.

2008-11-10T05:50:00.000+08:00

Well, good and bad news on a Monday morning.

The good? Extra work.

The bad? Lovable Chef Arvin has decided to quit on us, well sort of. After that scary attack last week, it is understandable that he'll be more careful.

Ben, I did tell you to go easy on the beer. That's what happens when you don't listen.

My weekends are blah.

2008-11-10T05:00:00.000+08:00

But I did spend Saturday with Jaden. Went to his lola's house then brought him to Power Plant where he delightedly pushed a kiddie cart while I was in checkout. Sunday was spent developing a crick in my neck and putting myself at risk of having carpal tunnel syndrome.

*sigh* Whatever it takes to get the bills paid, I guess.

I've posted new Project 365 photos on my album. Do check it out.

Muse, come hither

2008-11-07T11:53:00.000+08:00

We are going to have an open mic night on November 28 and I am so excited. Especially since H wanted to hear Tagalog poems. I'm thinking of reading one of my grandfather's poems.

Anyway, an old poem from my old poetry blog:

Delicious

you,
honey
rosemary
jellybeans and strawberry cream

mango juice on my chin
laughter, bells,
cool wind on my skin

us,
peanuts and coconuts -
sugar, oh and a
chocolate bar

pear slices on a plate
dancing while it's not too late
sand between my toes
fairy dust on your nose

Impressed

2008-11-06T11:23:00.000+08:00

Well, the speech writer is damn good.

I wonder how long it took the writer to write that. I wonder, too, what good it will do for the Philippines to have, for the very first time, a non-white person in the White House.

@_@ Should it still be called the White House if the person there is not white? Hee. Maybe they should change the name, too. (Do NOT lecture me on why the White House is called the White House, I have wikipedia too.)

What a coincidence Liz

2008-11-06T04:52:00.000+08:00

Well whaddya know? I didn't know Liz was planning to do Project 365 too. I've told the others, by the way and they seem enthusiastic, Meg and Nao especially. So I've done it, and started this morning and posted it on my ancient photobucket account.

Playing Hooky

2008-11-05T14:24:00.002+08:00

Because I already made the work quota today, I've decided to blog. Sadly, my life has gotten in the way of blogging about my life. Leala's already over a month old and I haven't even posted a single picture of her yet. Thing is, home computer's on the blink again and I haven't gotten around to making it work. It's just that I feel so tired most of the time when I get home from work that I barely have the energy left to nurse Leala and play with Jaden let alone tinker with the damn thing. I should do that tonight though. There's always the danger of not being able to make it work forever and I don't need that problem right now.

On looking for topics to write about for work, I came across project 365. I've known about it before, from one of y_slaybelle's posts but reading about it makes me want to do it. But who am I kidding? I can't even blog regularly and I keep forgetting to bring our camera even when going out to the mall with Jaden. (I make do with my beat-up camera phone that badly needs a replacement.) I want to start my own Project 365 though. But I want to begin next year, on my birthday, sort of like a countdown to my 30th year on this planet.

Turning a year older makes me queasy. It sort of forces me to think about what I've done with my life, and I cannot help but compare it to what others my age have done. I know, I know, it's not healthy to compare myself with others, and think about what I don't have and haven't accomplished. So I just try and think about what I do have: a loving husband, two great, healthy kids, and a wonderful job that pays well. Come to think of it, I'm actually pretty lucky.

And my time's up playing hooky.

Love Letter

2008-11-05T14:12:00.001+08:00

My most desirous Julius.
You are the cockroach to my kitchen. Spray me.
Do you not realise that if life were a cracker, you would be the cheese?
Let me melt you. Your lickable ears are flushed with pinked pleasure my poppet.
Do not be shy. Do not weep, but sucumb graciously to the inevitable.
Your strokeful stiffnesses frenzy me beyond compare.
I would fry ourselves in the oils of delight and batter, batter, batter, my saucy shark!
If you were the weety-bix I would be the milk.
Let me soak into you slowly.
I will stare forlornly at my mail button until it rises, glowing.
I am greedy for your slobberings.
I am expired and limp with longing. Heed my call!

Made me laugh out loud. Get your own love letter!

And the verdict is...

2008-10-24T10:38:00.000+08:00

Since I had been writing (or trying to anyway) about IQ tests all morning, I finally gave in and took a 20-minute test online. The last IQ test I took was many many years ago, when I was, I think, in 5th grade. I don't remember exactly but my score then was upwards 120, just enough to assure my parents that I at least had some potential and they could expect me to do well in school.

(I did, initially as I graduated Valedictorian in grade school.)

With my test score in grade school, I think my parents conditioned me to think that I am intelligent, or, at the very least, more intelligent than others. I had to do well in school, how could I not with a score like that? I put myself under a lot of pressure back in grade school (in high school I more or less had fun), I did turn out okay and thankfully was able to get my degree from a very reputable university under financial scholarship.

Fast forward to today. There are several reasons why I decided to take the test. I wanted to know if, after many years of not being in school, my brain finally decided to stop working. I wanted to see if I will find the test difficult.

I know, I know. IQ test scores hardly matter anymore these days but still, I wanted to know.

After 20 minutes of taking the test, I found out that, hey, my IQ is 135.

Not bad, since I know I got several questions wrong. (Where the heck is Volga anyway?)

So, the grey matter I have between my ears are apparently still working. And that's it. Back to work.

Drats.

2008-10-23T11:43:00.000+08:00

Once again. life has gotten in the way of blogging. Heh. And I find myself squeezing time in between articles and teaching a Korean to speak English to blog. My page looks lonely.

A lot has happened in the interval between my last post and now, the biggest and most important of which is me giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, Leala. Shall post photos and story soon.

I have spent four weeks on paid leave (thanks to a wonderful boss) and enjoyed spending time with the newest member of our family as well as my 2-year old dynamo, Jaden.

But now I am back at work and things are pretty hectic. In an attempt to earn as much as I can, even my weekends are booked for work leaving little time to rest or enjoy leisurely jaunts to the mall with Jaden (though I have much to thank for the extra monies, don't get me wrong). So blogging is very low on the priority list right now but I will, as soon as I can, get updated.

If only I had as much leisure time as the Bronte sisters to wax poetic on the rivers and valleys and pastures or what-have-you...(wink, wink, Nao hehe).

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2008-08-27T09:06:00.007+08:00

Let's backtrack a bit shall we? I've never had a chance to post these earlier pictures of Jaden here two years ago. I was too busy doing baby duty so here's a bit of a photo album of Jaden from under 12 months.

When he was smaller, Jaden loved to smile while sleeping.
I always wondered what he was dreaming about.
What do babies that age dream about anyway?

Here's Jaden on a day out at the mall at 8 months.

Jaden at 9 months. He loved playing, or rather,
chewing on the blocks his Titas Tara & Kreng gave him.
Note the balikbayan boxes in the background.
This was before the big move to the barrio back in 2006.
We lugged around 12 boxes of stuff to the province.
(And when we came back, we just had two suitcases and the CPU & printer.)

Jaden is very cute and very chubby at 10 months. At super puti!

Jaden on board M/V St. Peter the Apostle
en route to the barrio on February 11, 2006.
He is 11 months in this photo.
I love how he sort of looks like the boy in the Precious Moments jumper he has on.
When I was kid, I had a Precious Moments pillowcase.
I remember loving having to sleep on it every night.

Transpo Tales (Part 2)

2008-08-26T17:20:00.002+08:00

This other commuter tale was told to a group of us by a Filipino-American Indian who went for a brief visit to Manila last week. Let's call him B. B, being of American-Indian and Filipino descent, is not Caucasian but he does not look very Filipino either. He is handsome, much more than Daniel Day Lewis, is tall and solidly built. He has very long hair and inevitably speaks with an American twang. I mean, if you didn't know he is a foreigner just by looking at him, you'd get it once you hear him speak.

So. B rides a jeepney to go somewhere. He gives nine pesos to the driver, telling him where he is going. The woman conductor beside the driver tells him that he is short 25 pesos. Now B has family here in Manila. Like any traveler worth his salt, he has asked around how much it would cost him to get to where he is going. He knows he is not short 25 pesos. He knows he has paid the exact amount (though technically, the driver still owes him 50 centavos.) He knows the woman is trying to weasel money out of a "supposedly clueless foreigner." So he says no and does not give in.

That's tragedy number one. Many Filipinos see foreigners as an opportunity to earn easy money. That's not good in itself. And that is also not doing the country's tourism industry any good. Foreigners are already wary about the Philippines' peace situation and whatnot so it doesn't help when they get to experience attempts to scam them or get more money from them.

Tragedy number two was pointed out by B himself. He wondered why not even one passenger spoke up to him or against the driver. Don't they care that someone is being scammed right under their noses? If something like that is happening in front of you, wouldn't you try to intervene and help? Is that not the right thing to do?

Or are those passengers afraid to speak up to B because they don't want to speak English? (I've noticed this reluctance by a lot of people to speak in English. We, a country that prides itself in our mastery of the English language and have a nation full of call center agents.Baffling.) Is it as simple and stupid as that?

Have I just been living in the barrio for too long that I have forgotten how impersonal everything and everyone is in the city? That caring for perfect strangers is not the "in" thing to do here? I mean, it's weird because it is only here in Metro Manila that you feel so alone. I was in Bacolod once, for a brief visit. It is a well-populated city and I was at the mall, waiting in line to use the bathroom. The lady in front of me had apparently been waiting a long time so she did a little dance, you know, the dance you do when you're trying to hold it in? She did that, and she smiled at herself and her silliness. And she smiled at me because I saw her. Imagine that! A perfect stranger smiling at another perfect stranger in a bustling city.

That would never have happened in Metro Manila. People here don't look at each other. They hardly ever say thank you or please or excuse me or sorry. They're way too busy, wrapped up in their own lives, in their own troubles they do not even bother acknowledging that there's another human being sitting or standing next to them.

para silang langgam
nag-uunahan
nagsisiksikan

magkakatabi
magkakadikit
hindi nagpapansinan
kanya-kanyang
laban

malaking maliit ang mundo
para sa mga taong langgam
sa kapwa
wala silang alam,
wala silang pakialam

Transpo Tales (Part 1)

2008-08-22T08:57:00.004+08:00

With the price of basic commodities going steadily up, it probably is not shocking how even common courtesy comes at a premium these days. I was with my sisters on a weekend jaunt to Quiapo (for beads!) and coming home, we boarded a jeepney. We were heavily laden, my sisters and I. They bought a guitar and did some grocery shopping while I had with me three pillows and my bulging tummy.

The jeep wasn't full and those who boarded it after us naturally sat near the exit of the jeep and had to have their fares handed to the driver through us. We do it all the time, I'm sure. We ask other passengers to give our money to the driver. I always try to be courteous and polite and say "Please" and "Thank you" every time I do. Naturally, you'd expect the same of others. Simply because they really don't have to do it. They don't owe you anything. They're complete strangers. Besides, we're taught by our parents to say things like those in those kinds of situations. So, just common courtesy, right?

Well, uh, not exactly. All the three other passengers on that jeepney did not even bother to say "Please" or "Thank you." Despite my two sisters giving them dark looks and saying things like, "Oh, you're welcome!" The sarcasm fell on deaf ears. Tsk, tsk. I never knew the astronomical price of gasoline could even affect good manners nowadays.

I have another story about another jeepney ride but I have to postpone telling it. Got to get to work first.

Moving Out and In

2008-08-18T18:16:00.003+08:00

I hauled my stuff to the rented studio today. It's both sad and funny how the little possessions we have and would be using for the next few years can fit in just one cab. Having moved to the barrio a couple of years ago (hauling 12 boxes of stuff, excluding the TV set and the desktop PC), it's like starting a new life again in the city. The thought of having to (sort of) begin again scares me. Especially since I am giving birth in less than two months' time.

I found it hard to sleep the night before last. I was haunted by my omnipresent what if's and my dirty habit of worrying. I try really hard to take comfort in the Do Not Worry verse, telling myself again and again how God has always pulled us through the most difficult times in our life.

***

Tomorrow afternoon, my husband and son and his yaya arrive from Bacolod. It's about time. My son has begun to look for me, asking his father again and again why I won't come home. Hopefully, this time tomorrow, we'd be together. Their plane is scheduled to arrive after 5pm. I just hope their Cebu Pacific flight won't be as late as it usually is.

I wonder what the NAIA Terminal 3 looks like. I have to get there early since this will be my first time to go there. Apparently, to save money on cab fare, I can simply take a bus to MIA and get off at a place they call 6-11 (heaven knows where that is) and take a jeep (or was it a shuttle?) going to Terminal 3. Oh well. I shall find out tomorrow.

Anything to save a buck...

Warning: Existential Post Below

2008-08-14T17:13:00.002+08:00

Now and again, I encounter a story that really resonates with me. Not because I have had a similar experience, no. It's just the drama and human element that reels me in and urges me to find out more.

More than a year ago, I was adjusting to life in the barrio and was literally shut off from the outside world. Cellphone signal was difficult, we did not have radio or television, and I seldom went to the city to go online. Thus, news of the Virginia Tech massacre completely escaped my knowledge. I don't know if you remember details about it but Wikipedia is always reliable about those kinds of things so I was able to find out a lot about it.

What struck me the most about the incident was not the shooter himself – a mentally disturbed young man – but one of his victims, a 77-year old professor who held the door of his classroom shut so that his students could escape through the window. The shooter fired repeatedly at the door and Liviu Librescu perished and became one of the 30-plus victims of the tragedy.

The man, a brilliant teacher by all accounts, survived the Holocaust for crying out loud! And he was killed in a tragic and senseless manner. I don't know if the authorities determined whether Cho, the shooter, had a motive in going to that particular classroom building and "repeating Columbine" or not. But the senselessness of it all really just bugs me.

Another thing about Librescu himself: I cannot get over the man's heroism. Here you are, 77 years old, and lecturing your class on a day you thought would be like any other. Suddenly, this crazed gunman comes and turns your life into a horror movie. What does he do? He calmly tells his class to escape through the window and acts as a human barricade while they do so. He gave his life so that others may live. I cannot help but admire the man.

As I read through the short Wikipedia entry about him, I wonder what was going on in his mind while he was holding the door, being perforated by hollow-point bullets, and seeing his young students save themselves. But mostly, I wonder what I, if I were in his shoes, would have done? Or if I were in one of those students shoes, would I have disobeyed him and helped him barricade the door and gave my life away in the process? Would I have had the courage to give up my life for others?

In college, we were taught to be men and women for others. St. Ignatius was a big believer in that. Our four semesters of Philosophy and years of Theology repeatedly encouraged us to be persons for others. (There was that story of the Italian priest who shielded his parishioners from the blast of a grenade by lying down on it.)

But when push comes to shove, when it IS a matter of life and death, would I have gone to that extreme? Would I have had the strength to sacrifice my very existence for people I barely know?

Maybe if I had been asked that question in college, I would have considered it and said, sure. Before I had a family, I used to think that God could take me any moment and I'd be totally okay with it. But having a husband, and a child (or two) to take care of, changes things. I don't want to die. Not yet. I want to see my children grow up to become God-fearing individuals who are generous of themselves and who contribute a lot to the community.

Does that make me any less of a Christian? Does that make me a selfish person? I hope I am never placed in a situation where I have to choose. It's not that I care much about my own life, no. I do not want to die because my dying would deprive my two children of a mother and my husband of a wife. Both of these roles are important to me. I consider them my life's work, or if you will, my very small contribution to humanity. Does that make me any less selfish?

Life and Death

2008-08-13T19:40:00.006+08:00

we're working on a new project now -- a book that would prepare korean high school students for their suneung exams, their version of college entrance exams in korea. it's serious stuff but i didn't realize how serious until i found a few articles on the internet how intensely koreans prepare for their suneung test. one article i saw said that an estimated 200 students commit suicide because of the SATs. students are put under a lot of pressure: they study from morning until very late at night, have no time for leisure activities, and are continuously monitored by their parents. they spend three years, the entire time they are in senior high school preparing for the suneung exams. (some students prepapre for it as early as their elementary years!) their future depends on the result of their suneung exams because it would determine whether they can be accepted at the best universities in korea. of the thousands of students who take the exam, of course, only a few really get to go to the recognized good universities. coming from a good university would mean that they get hired in the best companies and generally have a bright future.

knowing that really puts into perspective what we do here. it's not just about writing an excellent passage and making the questions tricky. it's about helping those desperate kids through the most difficult day of their lives. they hold suneung exams every third thursday of november. it's like a national holiday for them because office workers are discouraged from coming to work early to help prevent traffic that would make students late for the exams. during the listening part of the exams, airplanes cannot fly or land, trains and trucks and any sort of vehicles cannot use their whistles or horns, to minimize the noise and help the kids hear the dialogues better.

it's kind of weird for me actually. i don't remember being put in that kind of pressure when i took the upcat and the acet. i didn't do any special study for those, except maybe some saturday classes in high school which many of us did not even take seriously. i guess i was just lucky i went to an excellent school that prepared me indirectly for the college exams i was to take. i was fortunate, i guess, that the school i went to prepared me not just for the exams but also for college. having passed both exams *aherm* without being put under the tremendous pressure those koreans are in, i consider myself very lucky indeed.

Mommy

2008-08-11T17:35:00.002+08:00

I've been reading inspirational stories all day for our new project. This is one that really struck a chord. I hope I can be the mother depicted in this story.Got it from this site.

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day he asked God: "How am I going to live on earth being so small and helpless?"

God replied, "Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

"But tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and smile, that's enough for me to be happy."

"Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be happy."

"And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don't know the language that men talk?"

"Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

"Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"I've heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?"

"Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

"Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly:

"Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

"Your angel's name is of no importance, you will call your angel: Mommy."

another lonely weekend

2008-08-10T11:29:00.002+08:00

twelve hours before this weekend is officially over. i have spent it by myself again. it's all my fault, really. i have not made the habit of seeing friends or family during the weekends. it was either i'm too busy, they're too busy or whatever. before we moved to the province, free weekends had been rare for joks and i. sometimes we had work and most of the time we were simply too tired to go out. we were also saving up money and going out on weekends was simply disastrous to the bank account. we'd zone out in front of the TV

but now that joks isn't here i don't know what to do with myself. i'd probably go to the mall later, just to do something, just to be able to talk to someone other than myself. i'd probably get tired from walking, probably spend money i shouldn't. but what the heck. anything for human interaction.

next weekend is going to be a long one due to the national holiday. i wish i could have scheduled their flight on saturday instead of on tuesday so that we could enjoy the sunday and monday together. as it is, i'd be going to work the day after they arrive. my only consolation is that we will have the next long weekend again and it's my mother's birthday on the 25th, another holiday.

i can't wait to see jaden and joks again. nine more days until happiness happens for me.

I am a Good-natured Realist

2008-08-08T07:43:00.001+08:00

Good-natured Realists are warm-hearted, helpful personalities. They do their work conscientiously and have a pronounced organising talent. They often feel they are committed to traditional values. The family in particular is extremely important to Good-natured Realists. Their greatest pleasure is making themselves useful and taking care of other people. But they do not like pushing themselves to the fore; they prefer to fulfil their tasks out of the limelight. Good-natured Realists are real workaholics; they are very reliable and nothing is too much for them when it is a question of completing a project. Thoroughness, conscientiousness and sense of duty are their strongest points. They prefer established and familiar situations to new and unknown situations.

In dealing with others, Good-natured Realists are considerate and obliging; they are always happy to put aside their own requirements in the interest of their family and friends. Their home is mostly very well cared-for, cosy and tidy. Their perfectionism on the one hand and their aversion to delegating tasks on the other hand often lead to them taking on too much both professionally and privately. They cannot stand discord; conflicts make them very unhappy. One could almost describe them as being harmony-addicted - and this sometimes leads them to strongly neglecting themselves and their own wishes because they are unable to bring themselves to put up a fight.

Good-natured Realists dream of a stable and trusting relationship for life. Marriage and family are very important to them. They take care of their partner attentively and lovingly and put up with a lot for a harmonious relationship. They are also loyal and reliable friends. However, they can be very hurt if their interpersonal commitment is taken for granted for too long.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, practical, emotional, planning, tradition-conscious, good-natured, self-sacrificing, caring, devoted, friendly, loyal, considerate, reliable, conscientious, loving, quiet, reserved, modest, helpful, objective, hard-working, warm-hearted, communicative, painstaking, altruistic

These subjects could interest you

cooking, animals, family, music, trekking, camping, hiking, craftwork, nature, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual matters, meditation

one day down

2008-08-07T17:20:00.001+08:00

three more days to go. one hour to go before this days winds down. my colleagues are writing and behaving. we've done nearly everything they've asked us to do. the other ones we won't be able to finish are due to technical problems we couldn't avoid. i hope they're happy. because, surprisingly, i am.

a little more faith

2008-08-07T12:21:00.000+08:00

i hadn't been feeling particularly chipper this morning. more like panicked and anxious because i would be in charge of the office today. it's a first for me, being in charge. i had never thought of myself as a leader before. i would rather hand over the reins to somebody else. not to avoid the responsibility or accountability (because it is not hard for me to accept those), but well, i just felt uncomfortable being in the spotlight, of sorts. i am also still rather worried of all the other things i have going on (see previous posts).

anyway, thanks to meg and her bible, i am reminded once again why i do not need to worry about anything at all.

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

there was never an instance in my life that he has abandoned or forsaken me. i cannot remember even one moment in my life when i felt that he has not given or blessed me. when joks and i needed something, miraculously, it would be there. he answers our prayers, he listens to our pleas. and yet, because i have so very little faith, i worry. i have to be content with his promise. i have to keep in mind that he will be here for me always. i have no reason to doubt. none at all.

show and tell time

2008-08-06T20:39:00.004+08:00

i cannot believe how much he's grown in just over two months. i feel both sad and proud every time i watch this video. sad that i am not with him every day to hug and kiss him and tell him how much i love him. and proud of his growth, that he is growing up to be a smart and happy child. my husband tells me jaden frequently looks for me and wonders why i don't come home anymore. knowing that just breaks my heart.

i keep counting the days and nights until i see him and my loving husband again.

meanwhile, life goes on. our manager goes on vacation tomorrow and by virtue of my being the oldest here i am going to be in charge for the next four working days. and that scares the s**t out of me. we start working on a new project tomorrow and will inevitably be adjusting to the new requirements. the company is concerned about the team's productivity already and having to adjust means well, not being as productive as i think they expect us to be. next week, they tell us how we're going to be evaluated. oh.sweet.lord.have.mercy. anyway, my biggest fear is disappointing them, those-who-put-me-in-charge. i only hope i live up to their expectations and not be a bitch to my wonderful colleagues in the process.

mantra: this is a challenge i will overcome...this is a challenge i will overcome....

another TV boyfriend [lhasyus~fangirling]

2008-08-06T17:09:00.004+08:00

as i was revisiting my old posts, i came across a pic of warrick brown a.k.a. gary dourdan whom i declared to be my TV boyfriend. i am disappointed at the recent turn of events which landed him in the headlines recently. i am also disappointed that he has reportedly asked to leave csi. (and this after jorja fox left! william petersen is also leaving! what is going to happen to my favorite show on earth?!!? gah!)

{but, i digress. it is hard to focus when i talk about csi. gah.} i still heart you gary dourdan!

but now *sigh*, i guess, it's time for a *new* TV boyfriend. i heart you jesse spencer. especially when you performed in the American Idol Finale with the Band from TV.

...

2008-08-06T14:05:00.002+08:00

i am a worrywart. i worry too much about things. things i have no control over, and things i can actually control. it doesn't matter. i just worry. and i have trouble sleeping.

actually, the biggest thing i worry about is that we might not have enough money for when i give birth. that's my biggest concern of all. i try not to think about it. my husband assures me that all will work out fine. but i still worry. i try and calculate just how much we need and it boggles me. how are we going to come up with that much money?

i pray hard every day that we will be able to make it somehow. that he will be able to find some work to do between now and when i give birth. because honestly, no matter how big what i am earning now, i still don't think it's enough. i try and keep in mind the bible verse that says to trust with all my heart.

and yet, i still worry. and pray for a miracle.

can you tell i miss him?

2008-08-06T10:48:00.003+08:00

my husband sent me this picture and he tells me that jaden actually posed for this photo. when i left my son a couple of months ago, he would not let me take a picture of him. he liked looking at his pictures and wouldn't let me take new ones. but now, he apparently enjoys it. it's so amazing. my friend meg said that for his age (2-and-a-half this september!), his pen grip is *advanced* which indicates that he has well-developed fine motor skills. (insert smug grin here) okay. enough baby bragging. have to get back to work.

perils

2008-08-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

a maiden
sara teasdale

oh if i were the velvet rose
upon the red rose vine
i'd climb to touch his window
and make his casement fine.

and if i were the little bird
that twitters on the tree,
all day i'd sing my love for him
till he should harken me.

but since i am a maiden
i go with downcast eyes,
and he will never hear the songs
that he has turned to sighs.

and since i am a maiden
my love will never know
that i could kiss him with a mouth
more red than roses blow.

sometimes, it's a bitch being a woman.

mommy's sweetie

2008-07-24T22:45:00.000+08:00

i miss my son. i think he's grown so much since i've seen him last. i hate missing seeing and experiencing all those new things he can do. i miss hearing him say "mommy i love you." i console myself with the thought that it's only going to be a few more weeks before i can hug and kiss him again, smell his hair, hear his laughter, sleep beside him, and just...watch him grow...

still in the city

2008-07-18T18:10:00.000+08:00

went back to the barrio for a while. but unforeseen circumstances made me leave it once again.

i miss my husband and son terribly. but i cannot go back just yet. too many responsibilities. and they cannot come here yet either.

somebody asked me don't i think i have too much on my plate. i guess so. but it's not that. i just have too little in my wallet.

being with child again, there are things one has to do. and not do, for that matter. for example, go back home.

but i kind of feel one's home is not where one is, or where one resides. my home is my family, wherever they are. and even if we are not together right now, i feel very close to him. we are closer now than we have ever been. our physical distance has brought us even more together. and that is what i hang on to. the strength and courage of a man who loves me deeply, without condition, without exception, with respect, love and trust.

i feel so blessed with a man like him in my life.

back in the city

2008-05-06T14:31:00.000+08:00

the barrio girl is back in the city, for a while at least.

i had forgotten how noisy, how chaotic everything is here. how you sometimes cannot hear yourself think.

i had forgotten how anonymous you can be here. people rush from here to there, not seeing each other, not looking at each other's faces. not smiling, too preoccupied with their own concerns, too wrapped up in their own worlds to bother with their neighbors.

i had forgotten how money can run out so fast here. one meal, one bus ride, one shirt, one bottle of water -- 500 bucks gone in a flash.

i left my heart in the barrio. i can't wait to go home.

barrio tragedy

2008-05-04T11:42:00.000+08:00

"the water was so clear you could drink it," my husband remarked to me while we were traveling to bacolod last friday.

we had passed a couple of local boys who were taking a joyous dip into a river. i made a comment about the water's murkiness (it was cafe au lait in color) at which he smiled, agreeing silently. i chided him then how he used to do that and enjoy it very much as well when he was a kid.

that was when he made the defensive remark and proceeded to tell me how clean the water was in the river where he and other neighborhood boys would swim regularly, naked as the day they were born. they would catch shrimp and small fish from the river with a small net, and would have more than enough for a meal. there was a kind of shrimp that was plentiful -- a large one, as big as one's lower arm and it was so meaty the flesh almost tasted like lobster.

but that was before pesticides were used widely in rice farms in their area he said. the chemicals poured into the fields would inevitably end up in the river, killing all the creatures there, including the big shrimps they call patuyaw.

today, very few seafood can be caught from the river, or even at sea. as a result not only of widespread and indiscriminate pesticide use, but also of overfishing, and other factors such as improper waste management.

i would have loved for my son to experience swimming in a very clean river, catch fish or shrimps or even crabs for me to cook. sadly, tragically, the chances of that ever happening are very slim.

at a crossroads

2008-05-04T00:11:00.001+08:00

my husband came from a very poor family. many of his relatives are poor, including the family of his second cousin who graduated valedictorian last april from the local high school in their hometown.

i have often talked to his second cousin emmanuel over the past year and i know that he is a very diligent, hardworking young man who, unlike many of his classmates, is serious about his studies. he had told me that he wanted to go to college after graduating from high school -- a feat that seemed nearly impossible considering their family's financial background.

emmanuel's father is a farmer and her mother is a housewife. emmanuel is the third child among a brood of six. his two older siblings already have families of their own while his younger sisters are all in school.

i admired his courage to voice out his dream of pursuing a college education despite the apparent challenges he would face once he does. on the eve of his high school graduation, i encouraged him to try and take up entrance examinations at silliman university, arguably one of the best private institutions in the country. his family surrounded us while we were talking, and i understood how emmanuel's firm resolve to go to college at all costs frightened them. it was not that they are not proud of emmanuel's accomplishment and dream, it was simply anxiety that they would not be able to support emmanuel's education to the full, especially if he goes to silliman. i told them that he could always apply for scholarships and not to worry so much.

a few days ago i found out that emmanuel passed the silliman examinations. unfortunately, he only qualified for a 50% scholarship for the first semester. he has to work off (at PHP 20 or USD 0.50 an hour) the remaining 50% and would have to re-apply for a scholarship for the second semester and for the succeeding three years.

he has an option to take a full scholarship grant in a local university that admittedly does not have as good a track record as silliman and i feel that his family is urging him to do that instead of taking a big risk in silliman.

emmanuel understands that if he decides to enroll in silliman, he is endangering his siblings' education. they would have to sell one of their carabaos to pay for his expenses. the family would have to make certain sacrifices for him. he does not want that to happen -- but he really wants to study in silliman because he knows that he can have access to excellent education there, the kind of education that would also give him excellent opportunities in the future. he knowsthat studying in silliman would be beneficial to emmanuel's family in the long run.

but before he can think of his future, he has to think of the present.

i wish i could help him financially but i am in no position to do so. all i can do is pray for a miracle.

barrio remedy

2008-04-24T10:41:00.001+08:00

the other day my husband and i came home and found our son complaining loudly "subay!" subay is the ilonggo word for ants and that was one of the first words he learned to say since he learned to walk. because he liked to play on the beach, he was prone to getting bitten by ants.

but the other day was different, he had rashes even on his tummy and on his back and the itch was unbearable, apparently, for he couldn't stop scratching himself and had trouble falling asleep that night. he did not want us to put calamine lotion and just complained again and again of the itch.

finally, my mother-in-law told me to slap my hair on his body seven times, which i did and surprisingly, my son stopped complaining and was able to play for a while and sleep soundly afterwards.

my mother-in-law explained that what she told me to do was the best remedy for higad, the hairy worm that victimizes unsuspecting children (and adults) who just happens to be under a tree that plays host to the buggers. i have often been a victim in my childhood and i remember distinctly that applying vinegar on the rashes was the best cure for the itch.

i used to scoff at quack treatments such as this one but i cannot help thinking that if only we had known of this barrio remedy, my sisters and i should never have had to endure the pungent smell of vinegar on our skin.

barrio food

2008-04-20T14:40:00.000+08:00

no, it was not pakbet and fried chicken unfortunately. what i had instead was gabi in a thick coconut sauce and a piece of chicken adobo. it was good, but not that great. maybe because it was saturday. or maybe it was just because i was expecting to eat something else. oh well.

our favorite kalan-an (ilonggo for carinderia) was closed today so i made it a point to cook a dish at home and bring it for our lunch today. i bought half a kilogram of squid last night and made squid adobo, nothing fancy but my husband agrees it tasted great. we just sauteed garlic, onions, and tomatoes in a pan, tossed in the squid, threw in some seasoning including soy sauce and some dried chili flakes (i like it hot) and let the squid cook in its own juices. i made sure not to overcook it so it came out tender and not chewy.

last night my mother-in-law cooked chicken tinola. chicken is sauteed first in garlic, ginger and onions. about two cups of water is poured in the pot, along with salt, pepper and other seasonings (my husband sometimes uses soda especially for mussels). when it boils and the chicken is tender, peeled & sliced green papaya is placed inside the pot and the stew is left to simmer just until the papaya is cooked but not overly tender. we prefer our vegetables crisp and just a little bit undercooked. overcooked papaya is simply yucky. if we want we could put in chili leaves but those weren't available. still, the stew was a big hit and my 2-year old son enjoyed eating rice with it.

tomorrow's the start of the annual fiesta here in our town. the thing with us pinoys is we love our food. preparing, cooking and eating is a ritual many of us filipinos enjoy. and nothing proves our love for food than our world-famous fiestas when the best, most scrumptuous, and most extravagant dishes are prepared. whole pigs are killed, turkeys and chickens are roasted or cooked adobo style, and people, strangers or friends can come in any house to enjoy the feast.

and because i love food, i am looking forward to the festivities the coming week.

meanwhile, my son has been asking to eat pork. i wonder what i'll be cooking for dinner tonight. maybe i'll cook my own pakbet with pork cutlets. hmmm, i'm getting hungry already.

and i begin again

2008-04-19T12:57:00.001+08:00

i have never been an ardent journal writer. i would keep a diary for weeks, or months, and then, suddenly, laziness would set in. either that or life would go too fast for me to document it in whatever pretty notebook i happened to be writing in.

i remember having a journal when i was in grade school and reading it afterwards (when i was in high school) made me cringe. it was torture having to go through the pains of puberty again! the topics were of course juvenile, to say the least, and the writing pathetically crude. (i am my worst critic, believe me.)

i don't recall keeping a journal in high school, except for the one i had to have because it was a course requirement in freshman english. having a journal like that -- where you knew your teacher would read through everything -- pretty much censors the thoughts and things you'd really love to write, but it also polishes your writing skills. besides, high school for me was all about writing anyway. as a member of the school paper's editorial staff since my sophomore year, i had more than my fair share of writing to do. i find, to my chagrin, however, that though my writing skills have improved, my ideas about life were still, well, childish.

in college, i was again fortunate enough to be in the school newspaper's staff and was forced by my editor to go out and write about other people's thoughts and feelings. i had to interview total strangers. i am by no means an outgoing person so it was scary at first but doing so made me a better writer, i think. or at least, it widened my horizon and made me realize how i can write even more entertaining articles when i go out of my own sphere of experience.

the skills and confidence i gained during those long years of writing earned me a post as a scriptwriter for a TV documentary program. i remember my very first foray as a TV reporter (off-cam)/writer. i had to interview the new widow of a bomb technician who became one of the many casualties during the rizal day bombings many years ago. it was an emotional assignment for me, having lost my father when i was in freshman year in high school. luckily, i was able to go past my empathy (it sometimes gets in the way of being impartial) and produce a script that earned the admiration (aherm ) of our director.

i stayed in that job for almost eight years and when blogging became popular some years back, i tried it and though i found it enjoyable, i also found it tiring. with my job as a writer, i knew i had to find another outlet to relax and unwind and thus let this blog slide.

when my husband and i quit our jobs in media (he was a cameraman in the same production outfit i worked for) more than a year ago, we settled in his hometown in negros island and put up a small business that, thankfully, has been growing slowly in popularity.

the itch to write about my experiences here in small town, philippines has broken through once again and here i am.

just last week my husband and i had the privilege of touring the island c/o a project we are doing for the negros island sustainable agriculture rural development foundation and i shall write about that next time.

so enough of the backstory, my stomach is growling for a lunch of pinakbet and steamed rice, possibly with fried porkchop or chicken, whichever is available at our favorite carinderia. will tell you which one later.

Melon-collie

2006-11-20T12:53:00.000+08:00

i wonder when it happened, or how. but right now i feel so...sad, even sadder than sad. it's like there's a pit of loneliness that wasn't there before, that i couldn't seem to fill with happiness no matter how much i try.

i wish it would go away. i wish i wouldn't feel anything, to be numb from pain.

yesterday, a thought seized me - a realization that hit me like a tornado that i thought i would die. i cried into the big basin of laundry water for an hour. i realized, and it pains me to think this: he doesn't love me the way he used to. i cannot explain why, it's all muddled up in my head how i came to think of this and it's a wonder i can even string two words together when i am in this state.

i guess it's too much of me to ask for the one good thing in my life to last, huh? i am not looking forward to the rest of my life right now, i can tell you that. i need to get away, to breathe, to think, to calm my self and prepare my heart to be broken a million times for the next 50 years. i wonder if i can stand it that long. but i couldn't just run away - there are deadlines to meet, diapers to change...so i guess i'm stuck here.

overview

2006-09-11T12:24:00.000+08:00

i had been in front of the mirror, combing my hair, when i heard my phone ringing downstairs. i rushed down, and without looking at the caller's name, i tapped lightly on the green button "hello?"

"kahlil."

it was him. "you in the office?"

"yes. why?"

"well then, come out the door. i'm waiting."

what? what is he doing here? so, struggling to keep calm and collected despite having shaky knees all of a sudden, i opened the door and walked the few feet to the gate. opening it, i saw a blue bmw idling in front. the passenger side window slowly rolled down, revealing his face, beaming at me.

"hi. surprised?"

"uh, yeah. you told me you'd come by next week to drop off the cd i'm borrowing from you. what are you doing here?"

"change of plans. come on, get in."

"why?"

"you have far too many questions. just get in, kahlil. we're going for a ride."

my friend charisse remarked once how defenseless i was when it came to him and that moment, i proved how right she was. i got in the car and strapped on the seatbelt. "where are we going?"

"don't i even get a good morning?" he smiled slightly, putting the car into gear.

"good morning greg." i looked out the window, trying desperately to keep myself from looking at his face.
"please tell me where you're taking me."

"it's a surprise. don't you like suprises?"

if it's from you, i don't. i generally want to keep my wits about me and you turn my brain into mush, my voice into an unintelligible croak, and my knees into jelly. "oh-kay. whatever you say. as long as you're paying. i left my wallet behind when you kidnapped me."

greg laughed and reached out with his hand and laid it on mine, which was at that moment clenched tightly and resting on my knees. "don't worry about that kahlil, don't you worry your pretty little head about that."

having been told that, i shut up and looked out the window. of course, i snuck glances at him and all the while, my heart was pounding a mile a minute. i tried to relax but i simply couldn't. i wanted to check out my hair but of course i couldn't. i wanted to see how i looked (like a deer in the headlights i'm sure) but that would be too obvious. i didn't even have my purse with me.

i took several deep breaths, trying to drown out the deafening sound of my rapidly beating heart. where is he taking me? just then, he said, "we're here." i looked at him, smiling at me and then out the window. i saw trees, and a slight hint of fog, and beyond, a view i'd always wanted to share with someone special but never got around to.

"are we in...?"

"yes we are. so come on, breakfast's getting cold." he opened my door and held my arm. then his arm went around my shoulders, sending shivers down my spine. he led me to a small hut and inside it was a table laid out with breakfast fare. before escorting me to my seat, he picked up a boquet of yellow tulips and gave them to me. "for you."

"thanks greg. but what's all this for?" a little happy me is dancing inside my heart, doing cartwheels.

"just wanted to surprise you. i haven't seen you in a while and i'm thinking you probably miss me already." i couldn't look at greg, he was grinning from ear to ear, obviously teasing me.

i smiled, looking outside the hut. it was suddenly cold, as the fog was moving towards us. "maybe it's you who misses me and not the other way around."

he chuckled. "now go on, eat. i prepared that myself so you better like it."

we ate in silence for a while when, unable to control myself, i blurted, "seriously greg, what is this for?"

he took a moment to finish the freshly-squeezed juice in his hand before looking directly at me, saying, "we've known each other quite a while haven't we? it's just that last night, after talking to you, i thought about how great our realtionship is, i mean, our friendship. we rarely see each other and talk but when we do, it's so easy for us to pick up from where we left off. you're one of the few people i can talk to, that i can be absolutely honest with, and not care whether i'm saying the right thing or not. you make me feel good about myself, like i can accomplish anything even though we both know some things are inevitably impossible. i care about you a lot, even if you don't see it..."

his voice trailed off and he turned his eyes towards the disappearing view of metro manila. "i had always wondered how you felt about me. truth is, i had always wondered how i felt about you, too. and so now i would like to know." at this, he turned his eyes again to me, his face serious all of a sudden.

i didn't know what to say. how was i supposed to respond? that i love him with all my heart and have done so all these years? that i feared showing him because i wasn't sure how he felt? all these i wanted to say but i couldn't find my voice.

finally, i asked him, "should your answer depend on mine or is it the other way around?" i sighed. "i care about you too, greg. more than you know. more than i think you expect. what do you want me to say? i've tried to hide how i feel from you, hoping it'll all go away somehow. but i don't know how you seem to know but i guess you do, or you wouldn't pull off something like this. and now that i've laid myself out to you, what more do i have?"

i stood up, and started to get out of the hut, only stopping to hear his voice, "you can have me."

2006-09-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

several days ago, somebody sent me an sms that ended with three consecutive periods, an ellipsis (plural, ellipses). normal literary use would mean that something that was originally there had been omitted for some purpose.

"The three dots stand for a considerable stretch of prose that has been omitted."

so what is the purpose then? did he omit something he originally typed and left it to my fertile imagination? if so, he succeeded. i hardly slept that night. i wouldn't dream of asking him, though.

Photo Album

2006-06-29T15:36:00.000+08:00

senglot.

kilig to the bones.

super gwapo

Ang Cute Di Ba?

2006-06-20T15:16:00.000+08:00

After 48 Years...

2006-06-20T15:15:00.000+08:00

dear friends,

i am back. i know it's been such a long time and i do hope you missed me. it's been so hectic lately, since i gave birth i haven't had time to sit down, collect my thoughts and write about all the wonderful experiences joks and i are having with jaden. now, though, i have a pocket of time and i can give a brief update.

since i haven't yet done so, i would like to thank everyone who took the time to visit us and was lucky enough to see jaden's face through the glass window. thank you for all the gifts, especially the diapers and the bottles since joks and i still haven't completed his layette by that time because we thought the baby would come after march.

because he is pre-term, jaden's birth weight was only a little over 2kg and 48cm. i am happy and proud to report that now, at over 3 months, he is already 6kg and 58cm and is growing steadily. he gulps down 30-32 oz of formula daily, moves bowels regularly, and smiles incessantly. he loves being outside, taking his baths, sleeping in airconditioned rooms, and drives us crazy every single day. his latest achievements are being able to sleep for six hours straight at night, and holding his head up when on his stomach.

i cannot tell you how much his smile, his laugh, his coos and gurgles mean to joks and i. totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na nakakatanggal ng pagod ang baby.

when we get home from a hard day's work, his greeting -- a smile and sometimes a laugh, is enough to erase the weariness of the day. he makes it all worth it and i really wish i could stay with him 24 hours a day. pero siempre, since joks and i want to give him the best life we could possibly afford, we have to work real hard and that involves being out most of the day, six days a week.

good thing his nanny is great and loves jaden like her own son (who couldn't? see pictures above).

oh well, that's all i have time for today. until next time.

Aliw, Sobra!

2006-05-09T15:58:00.000+08:00

yooon...

Back From Baby Duty

2006-04-25T16:07:00.000+08:00

hello. i'm back. hope you missed me. :-)

if you do not already know, i gave birth to a wonderful perfect boy last march 11. jaden came weeks early as i was supposed to give birth on april. though he was preterm, he was healthy and strong enough to not need the incubator. the hospital cost double than what we expected to pay because i delivered via ceasarean section but jaden not needing the incubator is a blessing we thank for everyday.

baby turned six weeks last saturday and he is doing great. joks and i are so in love with him we can't stop kissing and hugging him even when he is asleep. though he hasn't given us his first real smile yet, he's begun to smile in his sleep and that, even that, gives us great joy.

i'm afraid i don't have much time to bore you to death about my wonderful son (i have a son! i am a certified mother!) because i have to go home in a little while. but i promise, whether you like it or not, you will hear from me soon.

One Sigh After Another

2006-03-09T12:35:00.000+08:00

but how?

1. how can i simply be? all these discordant voices and noises inside my head and all around me are distracting me beyond reason. i am plagued i tell you. plagued by them and by myself. why can i not care? how can i remain insensitive when my very nature dictates that i be hyper-sensitive to stimuli, to my environment, to the people around me? i fear that it is impossible as long as i am here.

2. how can i privatize my posts? i don't think one can do that here in blogger. besides, i don't think anyone reads my blog anyway, aside from you, my dear friends, much less google them. i don't think my thoughts and ideas are interesting enough to those people who don't know me personally.

incompetence bothers me. okay, to be very blunt about it, it irritates me to no end. i have no patience for stupidity (in other people at least. i am mean that way.). nor do i have the tact to show that i am unaffected by it. i guess i was spoiled by good education -- i have always been surrounded by brilliant people -- in high school and college.

i have always expected brilliance from the people i interact with and have therefore come to expect it from the people i work with. unfortunately... even my boss and my former boss have this principle in hiring people:
"hindi ko kailangan ng magaling na tao. ang kailangan ko yung mapagkakatiwalaan."

i mean what kind of fucked up philosophy is that? if i were the boss i'd require excellence and trustworthiness and loyalty from my people. and i would get it too because i know what it would take for an employee to be loyal and trustworthy and that is to keep them happily provided, to give them no less than what they expect to get (sometimes even more, if they deserve it), show them the same respect you give yourself, and they will rise to the occasion. because hey, that's what every employee worth his salt wants, right?

sadly, this concept escapes my boss entirely. they expect to get 110% from their people when they themselves give 50%. so why do i not leave? i have tried and my plans were foiled by chance, by fate, by circumstance. but maybe in may...

And You Said Service?

2006-03-08T15:13:00.000+08:00

Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not count the cost;
to fight and not heed the wounds;
to toil and not seek for rest;
to labor and not ask for reward,
except to knowthat I am doing your will.
Amen.

when i was in college, i was introduced to this wonderful prayer by st. ignatius of loyola, our school's patron saint. the ideals of giving and serving others was not exactly new to me, but to have it versed in such a way was really an eye-opener.

on a scale of 1 to 10 for generosity, i'd give myself a 7. i will not pretend to be open-hearted all the time, and i can be very mean sometimes, especially when things are tight. but i do feel the urge to give especially to those people whom i deem to be deserving of my generosity. i have no wish to be applauded or recognized for such acts -- i've never thought them to merit any sort of recognition anyway. this is merely a background for what i am really trying to get at in this post. so bear with me on this one.

now i fear that my beliefs about giving and serving are becoming a hindrance to my fulfillment of my so-called duties. since i am part of a very public organization, i can say nothing more than this: i now feel ashamed of being part of it. i found myself, on various occasions explaining what we are doing and trying to justify our "projects" to my friends and to people who ask me what we are all about.

i feel as if we are not serving anyone but ourselves. i hate it. i hate it even more because i cannot do anything about it! i want to look people in the eye and honestly say that we are here to be of service to you and give you something you really need.

pero ngayon, parang lumalabas moro-moro lang ito. kawawa naman yung yumaong boss ko, mukha niya ang nakabalandra sa lahat ng 'to. hindi ko sinasabi na sobrang buti kong tao. pero ayokong manloko, ayokong humarap sa tao para sabihin ito ang gagawin namin pero hindi naman pala. parang pakiramdam ko, parte ako ng isang malaking panloloko, panggagantso. pakiramdam ko tuloy, ang dumi ko. nakakahiya sa mga prinsipyo ko, nanliliit ako. naglalaban ang katungkulan ko sa mga pinaniniwalaan ko. bakit ba kasi ako naging kasanib si san ignacio?